“Here’s what I texted her…” he said as he handed me his phone, exasperated.
I was having coffee with a client. He was frustrated because he met a woman at a food hall the day before, messaged her later, and never heard back.
I looked at his phone. The screen read…
“It was great meeting you today. Have fun at your friend’s party and we’ll catch up soon.”
He flew into a fury of questions. “Nick, what did I say wrong? Was I too boring? Did I text too soon? Did I seem too eager and desperate?”
He wanted an answer.
He wanted me to tell him how to fix his texting so this would never happen again. And he hoped it was still possible to salvage the situation with this girl.
The truth is, the text he sent was generic. A lot of guys send similar messages that don’t stand stand out. He could have sent a more personal follow-up message that built rapport with her.
Still, despite that, I told him, “Your text was fine. I guarantee you it had ZERO to do with her not replying.” That’s the same answer I tell every guy in these situations.
Because if a woman you just met or had a first date with isn’t responding to your texts…
It’s not about the texts. It’s never about the texts.
Connections are made in the real world, not over messages
I used to be like you. I obsessed over my unanswered text messages. I believed my unattractive messages were killing my chances with new women.
So I would drive myself crazy reading online texting advice. I would overanalyze every word I wrote. And guess what? That still didn’t fix shit.
My texting didn’t matter because I had a fundamental misunderstanding of how humans form connections.
Human connection is an emotional experience between two people. It’s something we just feel. Eye contact, vocal tonality, body language, energy, presence, warmth, and vulnerability all influence our feelings towards someone.
Face-to-face…we feel comforted by a smile. We get filled with joy while laughing close together over a joke. We feel accepted when we finally drop our mask in front of someone.
Text on a screen can’t supply those moments and therefore, will never move us emotionally the same way. By the time you send a follow-up message, a woman already knows how she felt with you.
If she didn’t text back, it’s NOT because you wrote a terrible sentence. It’s because she didn’t feel a strong enough connection in-person.
Otherwise, there are other factors that are out of your control entirely — which we’ll get to soon.
Either way, writing better texts after a first meet or first date won’t solve your problems.
Strong connections will always overcome bad texting
Listen, we all want to meet someone we’re really excited about. And unfortunately, it doesn’t happen too often.
So when we do meet someone and value a connection with them, we don’t want to let them go easily. We work hard to explore the connection and give it a chance.
Let’s say you met a woman who you found beautiful, funny, and engaging. You had an amazing conversation that flowed effortlessly.
The next day she texts, “Hey, how’s your day going?”
What’s your first reaction? Is it, “Wow, what a lame message! She’s such a bad texter, forget her.” Or are you just happy that you’re hearing from her again?
It’s the same thing for a woman! If she feels a real connection with you, she can’t wait to hear from you. Even if you send her a meh text, she’s still excited because of the connection you previously shared. She might briefly think, “C’mon, you can do better than that” but it won’t overpower her feelings to reconnect with you.
If for some magical reason she does reject you because of a text — you have dodged a bullet. Anyone who judges a potential partner like that is not thinking about dating in a healthy way.
Focus on making the best real-world connections that you can. Then, your texting woes should resolve themselves.
Before you start stressing about what you should do differently, you need to accept that some things are just out of your control.
Why connections don’t work out – the things you can’t control
Whenever something doesn’t work out in dating, men love to blame themselves. They like to believe that if they’d just done things differently, they could have changed the outcome.
But we’re dealing with real people. The women you meet have their own values, personalities, and preferences. Even if you do everything “right”, that doesn’t mean someone will find you attractive or compatible. There are also external circumstances you have absolutely no influence over.
So if a woman doesn’t feel connected to you, it may have NOTHING to do with you.
Here are some common reasons why you didn’t form a connection (that are out of your control):
She felt you weren’t compatible. You have different values or visions for your future. That could be religion, children, type of relationship, or political ideals. For example, if she wants a kid in the next few years and you said you absolutely don’t, she’s not going to invest in a connection that doesn’t have a future.
She didn’t find you physically attractive. You can always improve your appearance. You can build stronger non-verbal communication skills (body language, eye contact), get in better shape, and develop your style. But even then, you may never be attractive to a specific woman. If she has a thing for stocky guys with tattoos and you’re a clean-cut shorty like myself, you’re out of luck. But, preferences are individual and plenty of other women will find you attractive.
A guy she dated before came back into the picture. If a woman still has lingering feelings for someone, she’s usually going to explore that first because of their history together. They have a more established connection that you can’t compete with in a short amount of time.
She met a guy she feels more connected to. Most women entertain talking to many guys at once. But once they find someone they feel truly excited about, they focus in on them. They stop pursuing other men in the short-term. You might have just met her at the wrong time.
She was just looking for attention or validation. Sometimes a woman will go on a date or give out her number without being invested in the outcome. She may have just liked the attention or feeling of being desired. She may have just been trying to be polite. But deep down, she wasn’t actually serious about pursuing someone new.
Why connections don’t work out – the things you CAN control
On the other hand, if you notice a consistent pattern where women don’t respond after meeting you — there may be more you can do to form those connections.
While I don’t want you to get stuck in endless speculating, there is some merit to briefly reflecting on your real-world connections.
Here are some common reasons for a lack of connection (that are somewhat in your control):
She didn’t feel the sexual side of the connection. Maybe you went on a date from an online dating app. That means she was looking for a potential romantic connection. But once you met up, you acted purely friendly and didn’t flirt with her. So she didn’t feel that attraction or see you as a potential intimate prospect.
Or perhaps, the opposite occurred where…
She felt like you only wanted sex. You did flirt with her but you didn’t actually seem to care about getting to know her as a person. You kept things surface level. You tried to play it aloof or act like some pickup artist. You constantly tried to make a move on her and maybe ignored her boundaries when she set them. She felt like you weren’t attracted to her as a person, but only for her physical body.
Next time, open up more vulnerably about yourself. Ask deeper questions you genuinely care about. When you do flirt with her, read her body language and adjust accordingly. If she tells you she isn’t ready to kiss or go home with you, take it in stride. Show her that clearly you’re interested in her romantically, but care about her comfort, too.
You didn’t spend enough time getting to know each other. I know many guys who make meaningless small talk for a minute and then ask for a woman’s number. Can this work? Sure. But most of the time, that woman doesn’t feel like she knows anything about you…or vice versa. She doesn’t know if you’d get along and she likely didn’t hit a moment where she felt emotionally close to you. Instead, she feels doubt and uncertainty, so it’s easier just to back off.
Next time, if a first meet is going well, tell her you have some extra time and see if she’s down to keep hanging out. After you trade numbers, continue talking for a minute so she doesn’t feel like that’s all you wanted. If it’s a date, try moving to new location where you both are excited to continue rather than cutting things short sitting at the same coffee shop. Most of all, get off small talk and move onto a personal subject you’re deeply passionate about.
She didn’t trust you. You presented yourself as not being honest or well-intentioned. This might have been completely accidental on your part. Maybe you were just stuck in your head and struggled to be present. Maybe you were too nervous to reveal too much about yourself. Perhaps you felt like you had to constantly impress her. Either way, she felt something was disingenuous and meeting up again might not be a comfortable, enjoyable experience.
Next time, focus on being in the moment with her. Slow your breathing to calm yourself and then feel the rhythm of your breath. Listen intently to the words she’s saying and trust that if you do, you will have something to connect on. Take a few extra seconds before responding to share something real and not just rush to fill the void. Be willing to politely disagree with something and not be a “yes” man. We can all feel when someone is performing vs. truly showing up in the moment.
What to do now
So what did we learn?
Connections are made in-person, not remotely. If she’s into you, a message won’t change that.
Sometimes, connections fizzle out for reasons that are completely out of your control.
Forgive yourself if things don’t work out as you expected. Silence that inner critic and stop being so hard on yourself (especially because it may not be about you!)
If you recognize a pattern of women not responding to you, reflect on your in-person experiences. Identify any behaviors that may be inhibiting your connections. Then stop thinking about it, commit to trying out the advice next time, and see how it affects your interactions with women.
And finally, what can you do to salvage a situation with a girl who isn’t responding to your messages?
Again, using the ideas above, take an educated guess on what may have hindered that specific connection. Send her a short text about how you want to work on it next time.
“Not sure if I seemed out of it during dinner. I was just in my head because you seem really smart and ambitious. I genuinely want to get to know you better.”
This has worked for a lot of men. It’s amazing how far a little self-reflection and honesty will take you. If she’s on the fence, addressing those concerns plants the seed that you both could grow a beautiful connection together.
Still don’t know why your dates are fizzling out? Let’s schedule a free consultation together. I’ll pinpoint what’s stopping your dates from moving forward and design a plan of action to build more powerful connections.
Nick Notas is a Dating blogger who mostly focusses on men interested in dating smarter. Check out his site here https://nicknotas.com/blog