Being in sales has been a significant part of my life for almost twelve years. I’ve sold home loans, government technology, and now, I sell my coaching services to people who’ve usually never even met me in person.
I love that part of my job. To me, selling means connecting with new people, discovering if and how I can provide value, and building great relationships together.
To other people, “selling” often means something less honorable. It means using shady tactics to manipulate someone into buying something they don’t want — like a predator pursuing its prey.
A lot of men who struggle with dating feel like a sleazy car salesman when showing interest in women. They’re worried that a girl will think they’re a predator just for making a move.
And just like being labeled a “salesman”, no guy wants to be labeled as the creepy guy who’s desperate to get laid.
But there has to be a middle ground because you have to position yourself as a viable sexual partner. People only buy what they deem as valuable. A good salesperson helps people see the value of what they have to offer because the consumer isn’t always going to recognize that by themselves.
And most of the time in courtship, a woman is the final decision-maker. She needs to feel a sexual connection with you before she’ll consider being intimate with you.
So what’s a guy to do?
You just have to learn a healthy sales process for conveying your sex appeal.
You have to become an ethical, honest salesman and show off the value of the outstanding product you have on offer — YOU.
If she’s spending time with you, she’s open to buying
A lot of questionable sales jobs will tell you to “create a need” where there isn’t one already. You’re supposed to make people feel like they won’t be happy without your product or service.
This is the moral dilemma many men struggle with on their initial dates. They feel like there’s no way a new woman could already be open to the idea of a sexual connection with them. They don’t want to coerce her through manipulation before she’s ready.
So they feel like they’re doing something shameful and they’re “hitting on women” if they flirt with them. They’re worried they’re going to pressure a woman into something she doesn’t want.
Now that would be true if women didn’t want sex just as much as you do. Luckily…
You don’t have to create a need for sex.
Human connection is ALWAYS in high demand. More specifically, sexual connection is a core need for everyone. We all want to feel desired, aroused, and pleased. We all want to be held and maybe even like to sleep next to someone.
And from a physical standpoint — good sex will feel infinitely better for a woman than it ever will for you.
This means that nearly every available woman you encounter is OPEN to an intimate connection. She may not be actively looking but if the right guy came along — she’s not going to let that opportunity pass her by.
If a woman goes on a date with you, she’s already in the market for intimacy. She’s there for a reason and would consider moving things forward if you end up being an amazing guy.
You’re not pushing a crappy infomercial product. There’s a reason why advertising knows that “sex sells.”
If you don’t satisfy her needs, you don’t get the sale
You’ve probably been in this situation before…
You’re having a great time with a girl on a date or two. You talk about all sorts of subjects, laugh often, and seem to get along without a hitch.
You don’t want to mess things up by being too forward. So you play it safe and hold off on flirting with her.
Then after seeing you, she says she doesn’t feel that “spark”. Or she tells you she only sees you as a friend. Or she ignores your communication altogether.
You don’t get why this keeps happening to you…you thought you had something. You felt like you ticked all of the boxes of showing how you understood her as a person and showcased how you two could share a meaningful connection together.
And that’s all deeply important…but it’s only HALF of the connection.
You’re not addressing her core need for sexual connection (as previously discussed).
She’s not here with you, a stranger, to see if you’re going to be her best friend. She’s looking for an intimate connection as well.
Attraction is an emotion and she needs to FEEL attracted to you. And that is usually cultivated by flirting with her.
She’s expecting you to move things forward at some point, because that’s the only way she can evaluate you as a potential sexual partner.
When you don’t flirt, you’re failing to position yourself as a man who can fulfill her sexual needs. And therefore, she’s never going to see you as a romantic prospect who deserves her business.
Why some men come off as shady and lose the sale
You might be thinking…
If women want me to flirt with them, why do so many women complain about creepy perverts?
I’m sure you’ve heard women talk about all the unwanted cat-calling they experience. Or all the overly handsy guys at bars they have to fend off. And how they especially loathe men who relentlessly hit on them via online dating.
So doesn’t it makes sense that you flirting with her would put you in that same category? It doesn’t have to.
The difference is, those other men are broadcasting a message that scares women and turns them off.
They’re showing that they prioritize their desire to get laid OVER a woman’s comfort and security.
These “sleazy salesmen” don’t have a woman’s best interests in mind.
They don’t know her or try to get to know her. They don’t know whether or not they’re a good fit for her, even for just a casual hook-up. They don’t show they’re interested in her as a person, as well as for her physical beauty.
All this makes a woman feel like she’s only being used to satisfy him.
She isn’t reassured that this connection could be healthy and fulfilling for her. And that’s when she gets the desperate-to-make-a-sale vibe.
It’s like when I talk to a salesperson and I start to realize that they only care about closing the deal. I know they have to make a living. But if they’re not actually trying to understand or respect me and my needs in the process, I have no interest in doing business with them.
The second I feel someone promising things without knowing me, using manipulative tactics, or pressuring me when I need more time to consider — I walk away from that connection.
Understanding genuine vs manipulative sales
So while you’re nervous that showing sexual interest will scare a woman off, that’s only true if you’re being a manipulative salesman.
If you actually want to get to know a girl, see if you’re even a good fit, and SHOW interest in more than just her body — that’s exactly what she’s looking for in a potential intimate partner.
But again, that doesn’t mean you wait around to see if she’s into you before flirting. You do this in tandem with connecting on a more meaningful level. Because she won’t often know how she feels or show interest back until she sees your sexual value.
Instead, you need to be curious about her and express interest in what you genuinely find intriguing. Don’t assume her boundaries but fully respect when she sets them.
Let me give you some examples…
Genuine sales: You compliment a woman because she reveals qualities you like in her (physical and otherwise). You express that you find those things attractive or sexy.
Manipulative sales: You only compliment on her looks or before she’s shown you any redeeming qualities about herself. You’re just flattering her with bullshit to gain her interest.
Genuine sales: You ask her more intimate or sexual questions after you’ve both opened up about personal subjects. You like her personality and values, and you’re excited to explore her sexuality because of it.
Manipulative sales: You only stay on small talk and ask surface-level questions to pass the time. You really just want to ask more intimate questions to get her thinking about sex even though you don’t know her.
Genuine sales: You go for a first kiss and she says she’s not ready. You let her know that’s fine with you and still continue to have a good time. You’re willing to wait because you’re still interested in hanging out with her.
Manipulative sales: She rejects your first kiss and you sulk. You even get frustrated with her and shame her by saying, “I thought we were having a good time.” or “You’re being such a tease.” You feel like your night was ruined.
Genuine sales: You’re making out with a girl at your place and try to move things forward. She says she needs more time and isn’t sure if she’s comfortable having sex right now. You let her know you’ll only go as far as she feels comfortable and actually follow through when she doesn’t want to have sex that night.
Manipulative sales: You’re making out and she says she needs more time. As things continue heating up, she tells you she’s definitely not ready for sex. You tell her “c’mon it’ll be fun”,keep trying to take her clothes off, and continue touching or kissing her in more intimate ways. You hope these things will arouse her enough to change her mind or that she’ll eventually just give in.
Genuine sales is about understanding people and inviting them to invest in an authentic, relevant offer. That also means being okay with giving them time or letting them go if it’s not what they want.
Manipulative sales is about figuring out how to coerce people into buying your offer at all costs.
We don’t just buy the product, we buy the person
So maybe now you’ve accepted that desiring sex and showing interest can be a healthy, necessary part of courtship. But maybe you still doubt that YOU, specifically, have enough value to offer.
“Why would she pick me over anyone else?”
This question often convinces men out of making a move in the moment. They logically know they have to do something but they feel like they’re too inexperienced. Or they feel like they’re not attractive enough or good enough.
What you fail to realize is that we don’t just buy from someone who’s flaunting the shiniest, most technically amazing product.
We buy from people we feel can add value to our lives but that we ALSO trust.
We buy from the person who we feel like will work to understand us and seek to build a better connection — even if they don’t have all the answers right then and there.
Many clients who work with me know that I don’t immediately have all the solutions to their needs. That’s just not possible. But they know that I will do everything in my power to figure out how to best serve them and our relationship. That’s what makes them want to work with me.
A woman doesn’t need you to be the strongest, most sexually experienced man she’s ever met.
She just needs to know you have her best interests at heart, and will work towards creating a great sexual experience together. She wants you to want to learn what arouses her and pleases her. That you’re willing to give and not just receive. And that you’ll respect her limits until she feels comfortable.
Basically, she needs to know you’ll truly give a shit. And from talking to countless women over the last decade — that’s more much rare than you could ever imagine.
Women are fed up with men who secretly just want to get their dick wet and are selfish in bed. If you can commit to being more than that, women will see you as a high-value man. They will want what you’re offering.
People only buy when you believe in your offer
But…you have to really believe that you have a whole lot of sexual value. You have to believe that showing it in the right ways can provide a fulfilling experience for women. Because if you don’t feel that way, how can they?
Would you ever buy from someone who doesn’t believe in their own product?
And that’s maybe my final point.
While courting a woman, you need to embrace and express your sexual value. But that doesn’t mean you need to prove your worth to her.
You just want to show off what you have to offer and see if she’s excited to buy.
It’s her responsibility to also show you her sexual value and interest in you. If she’s not reciprocating or eager to invest in your offer, that’s not your fault nor a reflection of your value as a person. It just means you’re not a good fit for each other.
I think a good salesperson is also a consumer. They consider whether or not someone else would be a good connection for them. I regularly turn down prospective clients because I don’t feel our values align or that they see my worth.
A good salesman doesn’t obsess over trying to make someone do business with them. They know when it’s not going to happen and instead look for someone who’s excited to build that new relationship.
You’re both buying and selling in this dating game.
Nick Notas is a Dating blogger who mostly focusses on men interested in dating smarter. Check out his site here https://nicknotas.com/blog