There was a time when I enjoyed absorbing everything about dating. It was all so addicting.
When you first learn you CAN actively improve with women and grow your confidence, it seems like discovering ancient texts to locate the holy grail.
You become obsessed thinking that if you simply discover the right text message, the right question, or the proper way to ask a girl out you, too, can end up being a Casanova. Youre convinced that all you need is a few small tweaks, ideas, and techniques, and ladies will fall at your feet.
Heres the issue: this state of mind is in fact damaging your outcomes. Due to the fact that ladies are human. They are complex, nuanced creatures like everybody else. And making real connections and establishing lasting self-confidence requires depth.
When youre focused on instant gratification, youre screwing yourself for the long-term.
The minutiae doesn't matter.
A lady didnt refuse giving you her number because your initial sentence wasnt amazing enough. You didnt lose contact with a woman after a date because of a boring text. You don't need to understand the exact timing of when to make a move on a date.
Instead, you need to shift your mindset.
Let go of the short-sighted, quick-fix, do-anything-for-women mindset. Start thinking of your future, big picture, legendary journey to personal growth.
Here are the 3 huge frame of mind shifts to become your most appealing self.
Stop trading short term gratification for long term happiness
Weve all become acclimated to instantaneous satisfaction.
So its only natural that you might seek out those same dopamine hits with women. You want to regularly feel that ladies like you and want you. You rejoice when they do.
You sit around at home eagerly waiting on texts. When you do head out to gatherings, you are exclusively concentrated on meeting ladies. You prioritize getting laid over relationships, hobbies, individual health, career improvement, and developing a broader lifestyle.
Ultimately you will experience what numerous men tell me: dating women unexpectedly doesn't make you fulfilled.
Thats because happiness doesn't come from one source. It originates from leading a life filled with a range of meaningful experiences and connections.
If you disregard the long-term vision of what your life could be, you will be left with just fleeting minutes of feeling content.
Short-Term Mindset: Youre concentrated on getting the number during impressions. Youre driven by that feeling of success. So you get stuck in your head and feel overcome with anxiety, and get worse outcomes because of it.
Long-Term Mindset: Youre focused on creating a strong connection in the instant. You remind yourself to stay present and relate authentically to the other person. You trust that if you have a fun time together, a number will come from it. You learn to take it easy and take pleasure in the general experiences you share with new people, instead of tension about what they can offer you.
Short-Term Mindset: You invest all of your spare time attempting to meet women. You overlook existing personal relationships and after that lose touch with friends. You do not have anybody to go out with so you invest all your after work hours swiping on a little screen. You end up being completely dependent on dating for your joy, which terrifies women off when they recognize youve got nothing else going on.
Long-Term Mindset: You balance developing a lifestyle you like with your dating life. Youve got a prospering social circle that supports and fulfills you. Youre not desperate for a random woman to fill an empty space. You come across as a strong, independent man to ladies, and in turn, they appreciate and desire you more.
Short-Term Mindset: Youre pleased simply getting the attention of a pretty woman on a date. Although you desire her romantically, you do not flirt due to the fact that youre scared of losing the chance. So you play it safe and just act respectful, not focusing on the dynamic you really want. You do not spark the attraction to get her aroused. Then ladies repeatedly tell you they do not feel that chemistry or see you as just a pal.
Long-Term Mindset: You flirt to see if you get the intimate connections you desire. You devote to showing a woman how you feel about her. You say to yourself, When I notice something I like, Im going to tell her I find that attractive. You guarantee to indulge your curiosity about her sexuality by asking more intimate questions on a date. You squander less time on ladies who aren't interested and better attract those who are.
Forget quick fixes, working towards sustainable growth
Taking shortcuts in dating seems harmless on the surface. So what if you remember a couple of lines to employ on a date? Whats the big deal if you do not text a woman for a number of days to make her chase you?
Well, bit by bit it begins to produce larger consequences.
Initially, you get stuck in a performance loop where you feel like you constantly need to be on. You constantly feel like you require the next trick just to be sufficient to get a woman. You never concentrate on establishing your own abilities, wit, assertiveness, and overall character.
Then you lure the wrong people and wrong kind of attention. You get ladies who respond to shallow techniques and play games with you in return. You never ever find somebody who values you for you, but rather the mask that you wear.
So you make weak connections with incompatible people that inevitably die. And youre still at square one of your personal development.
Quick Fix Mindset: You use stock online messages you find on blog sites or YouTube. You get some responses however then battle to keep the act up. You get occasional dates, but typically with incompatible ladies since youre busy performing as another person. Then on those dates, youre in your head constantly thinking about whats next decreasing any natural charm you have.
Growth Mindset: You read a womans profile and genuinely associate with her. You practice free-writing ideas or try improv games. You want to express yourself much better to produce real connections with new women. You attempt to further develop your wit by journaling, taking theater classes, or signing up with Toastmasters. You start to establish your psychological intelligence around women, learn to read social dynamics, and end up being a terrific conversationalist.
Quick Fix Mindset: You deliberately do not text ladies back for days or respond slowly to appear hectic. In reality, youre relaxing doing nothing. Youre scared of appearing clingy so you pretend to be leading a fascinating way of life which is actually being needy.Women eventually recognize the truth and your dishonesty makes you appear more desperate.
Growth Mindset: You invest your leisure time in relationships, hitting the health club, and doing things you enjoy. If youre available with phone in hand, you reply to ladies. If youre not, you return to them when you can. You build a mindset of genuine abundance and not putting ladies on a pedestal, valuing your time. This makes your life and attitude deeply attractive to ladies.
Quick Fix Mindset: You use money as a way to initially draw in women. You purchase them costly dinners or presents. You get their attention temporarily but deep down, they know youre compensating. When the well-spring runs dry, they leave or they stay using you as an ATM, and do not see you as the guy they really desire.
Growth Mindset: You focus on developing your personality to end up being more appealing without needing to buy anyones love. You establish your humor, self-expression, and leadership abilities. You learn to produce intimate connections without needing to offer something beyond yourself Ladies see you as a high-value guy for your inner qualities which cultivates genuine connection. Ladies respect you and appreciate when you do invest in them. Its viewed as a good gesture, not an expectation.
Dont put instant approval from women over sustainable love from yourself.
All of us wish to be appreciated by others. But the person who needs to like you, most importantly, is YOU.
That is the essence of self-confidence.
When you micromanage your behaviors to get recognition from women, you never ever develop long lasting self-esteem. You get stuck in a cycle chasing womens approval and losing sight of yourself in the process.
You give up your values. You accept mistreatment. You act deceitful and manipulative. And you turn yourself into a chameleon.
Paradoxically, this is how you struggle to lure or keep ladies!
Genuine confidence is the sexiest thing to ladies. She wants to feel like the man shes with enjoys himself and acts in integrity. Somebody she has to show shes worthwhile of, too.
Ladies do not want guys who put them on a pedestal.
Approval-Seeking Mindset: You avoid certain subjects you enjoy or opinions you hold because you believe ladies wont like them. You go on dates where you worry about hiding parts of yourself. You don't get fired up or quickly talk about things you love. In turn, you don't enjoy the discussions and are more reserved and dispassionate. You wind up cutting off all the intriguing sides of your personality appearing boring or not remarkable to women. You feel even worse about yourself.
Self-Love Mindset: You actively raise personal subjects to filter out incompatible partners. Youre able to play to your strengths by easily speaking about what you understand or care about. You come off as experienced, expressive, and more charismatic. Ladies see you as a man who knows and likes himself. Even if you have some different interests, she still sees your self-confidence, and for that reason views you as an attractive prospect. You continue to realize how awesome you are.
Approval-Seeking Mindset: You stay with ladies who do not respect you or invest in you, typically because of the guarantee of sex. You feel this is easier than pursuing more significant connections. By doing this, you continuously tell your subconscious that youre not worth more than this sort of relationship. You are caught feeling like settling is better than being alone, never ever getting the lady you truly want.
Self-Love Mindset: You commit to finding the qualities you need in a partner and work to find someone who appreciates you. You review your past experiences to find out whats essential to you and what were dealbreakers. You walk away from the wrong people to discover the right ones even if means giving up beauty, attention, or sex. You develop self-confidence simply because you recognize your worth and fight for it.
When youre playing to avoid losing, you never really win.
-------------------------------These articles are created as a way to educate our members with tips and tricks of finding love in this day and age. It's a very different landscape out there than it was even 10 years ago. Everything is different with COVID and people are struggling. We want to help you find your person at "The Flock". That's the whole point. But to do that, education is important. Love and respect, Todd Staples. Founder of "The Flock"